I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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