I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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