I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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