Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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