I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
