he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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