I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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