took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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