I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
