I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
