How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
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Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
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There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just had sex on a roof
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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