If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
