i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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