M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
