Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize