when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
