i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
