would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
