My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
