smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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