I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
