I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
