I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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