i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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