I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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