Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
