I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
