just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
