i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
