after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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