So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
