this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
