I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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