I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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