Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
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Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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