just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I can tuck mytits in my pants
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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