I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
