There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We had sex on a dog bed..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
