he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
