dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
