Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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