I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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