Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
