I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
