Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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