shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
