i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
