saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
