When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
