Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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