Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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