i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
