oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.