Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.