if you like me you must not know who I am
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.