The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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