I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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