we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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