I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
