my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
