After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
